May We Borrow Your Automata?

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A world of automata – of creatures that worked like machines – would hardly be worth creating.   - CS Lewis

The only pair (as far as we know) of 19th century mirror-image gold, enameled and jeweled singing bird pistol automata sold for a little more than $5.8 million USD last year at Christie's International Important Watches Sale in Hong Kong.

In this episode of I Have To Tell You Something, Salome tries to convince me that she'd like to borrow the pair of pistols for Christmas (for a small rental fee). Her plea is initially believable, but turns out just to be a ruse intended to get me to talk about Perfect Polly. 

I am not amused.

Don't fall for it.

Episode notes:

• One of our two listeners asked: Why don't you podcast more often? My answer in a few words: "So, one more thing, and then you can (like) fix everything in edit." Feel my pain.
• This is the lovely "steam-punky mechanical thingy" that started the conversation about singing bird automatas.
• Variability is obviously a tough word for some to enunciate. Sort of like ... cinnamon.
• Perfect Polly (as seen on TV!) is a blight on the Earth. 
• Hugo is a delightful Scorsese interpretation of a beautifully illustrated novel by Brian Selznik. It's available in HD streaming video for Amazon Prime members. Automatons are optional.
• While we didn't discuss it, Salome may be on to something - borrowing gifts for Christmas may be the new black. I mean, red and green.

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It's The Most Wonderful Time

cc image courtesy flickr.com/photos/ffg/3112930973

Somewhere between Black Friday and Cyber Monday falls the latest episode of our I Have To Tell You Something podcast. 

This week we cover a wide girth of pseudo-holiday chatter - from tattoo implants and the strange duality of JR and Major Nelson, to the unnatural (and possibly illegal) reinvention of Mr. Green's Clue character, as well as Salome's grinch-like tendencies and my personal DIY holiday gift ideas. 

In fact, we covered so many random things the episode notes may actually be required for the fullest and most rewarding second screen experience.

Click this link for a special gift

Episode notes:

• Yes, she said Flowbee; it was is real. (Links do not represent an endorsement. In fact, they never do.)
• More importantly, this is moodINQ: a programmable tattoo implant. Please don't hack body mods for the holidays.
• Larry Hagman passed away on Friday; we are sorry to see him go.
• I had no idea that Salome had so much grinch in her. This should have been a clue.
• If you were wondering what ".. those things that I was telling you about the other day, remember? When you went on car trips when you were five and it was the face under the little magnetic filings that you dragged around with a magnet .." really were. They were called Wooly Willy. Those were the days, but now there's a Wooly Willy iOS app.
• Apparently Mister Green was changed from the original (not to) Reverend Green to protect the frailty of the collective US moral code. 
• Despite Salome's limited knowledge, Trav Rexen is completely into the "whole costume thing".  Here's proof.
• Holly trees are a perfect host for spider mites. I didn't need to know that.
• In case you are brave enough - here's a fun "Martha and Oprah make a holly wreath" video. Hint: Martha's skin is thick, but you should wear kevlar.
• Frozen butterflies. I have no words, or even links to share.
• This is the hanging wine bottle planter I am making for gifts. Wish me luck.
• In case you were wondering, this is what I'm giving Salome for Christmas. You should send one too, and I have a stamp if you need one.

Happy Holidays!

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The Garden in Second Life

The Garden is a respite for wayward souls and secret artifacts in Second Life®. Within it stand seven Guardian spirits, once charged with defending The Garden and her sacred grounds. But over the years, each one of the Guardians fell in betrayal against that which they were bound to serve, and each faced a penance for their betrayal.

Forever trapped in folds of flora, the Guardians whisper secrets and lost artifacts tell no lies. If you listen carefully, you have a chance to uncover the true essence of The Garden. Think of it as the game of life, with consequences.

In this episode of I Have To Tell You Something, Salome and I divulge precisely none of the secrets of The Garden in 8 minutes. Perhaps you will find a way to forgive us our transgressions, but I doubt it.

The Garden's secrets are here.

Episode notes:

What is The Garden?
Initially a distraction to keep Salome from closing the Seven Veils Sim in Second Life, The Garden has grown into a tangle of secrets that unfold in a game. I'd tell you more of the story, but that's a secret.

When can I play?
That's a great question. We plan to launch by November 9th, but only if we gather enough beta gnomes to fill in the little round holes with a #2 pencil so Trav can finally sleep soundly at night.

Will I fall in?
Fear not. The Schwarzschild radius for The Garden is infinitesimal, unlike that of Salome's inventory.

Where's the story?
It's coming. No really, it is.

How can I donate to the American Red Cross to help with Sandy relief efforts?
You can donate $10 by texting REDCROSS to 90999. Another easy path is to donate via iTunes. Perhaps the best option is to visit redcross.org and make a donation there.

Did Salome really say that at the end?
Yes she did. Welcome to my reality.

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D&D War Stories

cc image courtesy flickr.com/photos/merydith/4676661355

Did you have an emotional attachment to your dice?

If those juicy bits of red plastic don't look familiar to you, then you can probably just skip this week's podcast because Salome and I are talking about a shared favorite pastime: Dungeons and Dragons.

It's already episode 11 of the I Have To Tell You Something series, and you are going to have to roll a better attack if you want to escape this melee.

After a brief synopsis of a tragically bad movie recommendation by Salome, we cruise into a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" coupe de grace that lights up with a fireball, casts an arcane spell on a wayward UPS delivery and lands somewhere in the middle of a pile of pink dice spilling from the mouth of the beloved Crown Royal bag.

Go on, click it

Obligatory episode notes that no one reads:

• This is a not a date night movie.
• This is also not a date night movie.
• In case it's keeping you awake at night - here's a way to roll the dice (even the pink ones).
• While I suggested that everyone play D&D at least once, I may have changed my mind. This Maid RPG seems like a far better option - don't you think?

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Whale Songs

image courtesy http://www.dosits.org/

I prefer to call him Tiny Tim. He sings at a much higher frequency than other baleen whales and he's a bit "out there" when it comes to what we've come to consider normal whale behavior. Others have simply dubbed it the 52 Hertz whale, based on his unique musical talent.

Never seen up close and in whale, this recluse has been tracked hydroponically by NOAA since around 1989. Tiny Tim fails to follow traditional migration paths and by all accounts, he or she is all alone. Whatever you call it, this is a whale of a mystery.

In this week's I Have To Tell You Something podcast, Salome and I (we're back, we missed you too!) discuss the what-ifs of this tenor whale, running randomly along the coast.

Is this wayward whale lost and lonely, or a happy-to-be-on-my-own crafty whale dodger?
(Hint: he can probably see Sarah Palin from his atypical migratory path near Alaska)

And what might this whale teach us about cloning a Tasmanian Tiger?
(Hint: use alcohol)

You make the call.
(Hint: don't use replacement refs)

You can subscribe to this madness (no really, you can)

In case our prattle this week left you feeling empty, then might I suggest a home craft project? Make your own whale tracking hydrophone out of things just lying around your house.

If that doesn't work, try listening to this 52 Hertz whale mix tape during your next hot yoga session. (Note: this is the real whale song, you will need to listen on a real audio system)



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A 3D Princess? Disney Lets Them Eat Cake

Recently Brad Hart of Forbes.com pondered "Will 3D Printing Change The World?". For the lucky few 3-12 year old want-to-be princesses that get a reservation at Disney's D-Tech Me Princess experience, the answer is likely a resounding yes.

Personally, I am wondering why Disney is limiting this to princesses, since I'd much rather be someone like Aqua - but I digress.

This week Salome and I dive into a little Disney tech-talk: from 3D princesses to the cake they eventually make us eat. So now we have 3D princesses, interactive cakes and balloons that hold their shape, but I still think the best new addition is the interactive cemetery at the Haunted House.

You can subscribe to this madness!

Episode notes:
Before you drag your sons and daughters to the D-Tech Princess experience pay attention to the fine print: the would-be princesses must be beween 3-12 years old, you need a reservation, and don't forget the plastic. Each seven-inch Princess figurine is $99.95 (plus $15.95 shipping. Canadian and International shipping begins at $75.00). Guests can order additional replica seven-inch figurines for $74.95 each or a three-inch replica for $39.95.

Cha-ching.  That's the sound of experience.

UPDATE:
I had forgotten that in 2006, Second Life resident Hal9k Andalsoa started a 3D printing company called Fabjectory that would print a 3D copy of your avatar.  Prices ranged from $49 for a 2″ avatar to $99 for a 7″ version.

Here's a shot of Pathfinder Linden (Jon Lester) with his delightful artifact.

cc image courtesy flickr.com/photos/pathfinderlinden/292637770

I am sorry I never took advantage of that at the time - Fabjectory appears to be defunct.

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The Great Maple Syrup Heist

cc image courtesy flickr.com/photos/57402879@N00/421611300

Every high value product has imitation and has black market. So we don't know how much is this black market. But of course those people they had a motive and they will probably find a market.  - Anne-Marie Granger Godbout, Director of the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers

Some of us take our maple syrup very seriously. I, for one, am very glad that Canada maintains a strategic maple syrup reserve. I just wish someone would watch it more closely.

In this episode of I Have To Tell You Something, Salome and I talk about the great Canadian maple syrup heist of 2012; you can guess the rest.

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Why are we talking about a maple syrup heist? Mostly because it's one of those "news" stories that makes its way to you via your friends and shows up in odd places - for Salome a cooking-ish site (yes, really) and for me, my handy feed reader. Either way, it made the editorial calendar - or it would have if we kept one.

A few key episode notes in case you cannot bear to listen:

- It really was Lyndon Heart's birthday. We send him goodness and light.

- I don't think McMuffins have maple syrup "pumped into them", as Salome suggests but I do not dare challenge her McDonald's prowess on air.

- The (ahem) sharp edit edges are in fact a result of me losing patience with what Salome calls an unfortunate service interruption, and not any sort of expletive expunging.

- Finally, since this is an educational forum - make a mental note of this key trivia term: sugar bush.

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Major Tom to Mars One

I read somewhere (okay yes, it was the Internet) that Neil Armstrong volunteered to command the first manned mission to Mars. He would have rocked it. I wonder if he talked to the Dutch Mars One team - a wild cast of characters with their minds set on getting a few good men and women living on the red planet by 2023. It sounds like a real-world E ticket. There's just one catch; it's a one way ticket.

The Mars One team wants to land four lucky astronauts on Mars by 2023. From that fateful day forward, the emigrants will settle down in what will be their home forever since, as we know, getting people *back* from Mars is nothing but a pesky detail. I wish I'd been at that design meeting: "Hey, I have an idea, why don't we just leave them there?"

If signing up for a one-way ticket to ride doesn't frighten you, then also consider how team leader Bas Lansdorp intends to pay for this extravaganza - you get to be the next Mars Idol. The business model for this endeavor is no less that Snooki in Space - or, Martian Housewives, the next global reality TV sensation.

Welcome to Mars.

This week's episode of our I Have To Tell You Something podcast goes where we've never gone before: from the far reaches of Mars with the Curiosity crew and the ethics of sending 20 year old males into space, all the way to the dark recesses of Salome's secret Snooki crush.

Apparently, we're still recovering from the Mister Rogers mishap.

You can subscribe to this madness!

Episode notes: 
Salome informed me post-edit that she does not watch Snooki reruns, she watches Frazier reruns - as if that were a forgivable offense.  But of course I believe her.

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Is That You, Mistah Rogers?

cc image courtesy flickr.com/photos/24973901@N04/6764245699

Last week Salome sent me link fodder for our I Have To Tell You Something podcast. There were three auto-tune remixes of old PBS shows and as such, I imagined we would talk about auto-ruining the music (and video) industry, or maybe how stories are (not) better remixed in video than in games, or at a stretch - how curious is it that PBS is remixing old television shows on YouTube using auto-tune?

Not so much.

We didn't get one gasp beyond my expressed horror of one particular video: Mister Rogers Remixed | Garden of Your Mind. I called it disturbing and creepy, but I am sure there are far better words to adequately describe the mind-bending, unadulterated terror sparked by this particular remix.

Have a look and judge for yourself.

Admit it; it's wicked creepy. I mean - way beyond the crypt - creepy. Not just because it's Mr. Rogers, but because it ruthlessly embeds itself into your psyche like a ceti eel. With all due respect to creative remixer MelodySheep, this thing is keeping me up at night.

Maybe you found it to be awesome. We disagree; I get that. What I didn't expect to discover is that some people have a Harlequin-like affection for Mr. Rogers.

'I tell you', he cried, 'this man has enlarged my mind.'
                                                                           - Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

In this episode of I Have To Tell You Something we discover Salome's kryptonite buried deep beneath the neighborhood trolley tracks. Once that crystalline wonder was tapped, could I just let it go? Certainly not - we just slipped deeper into the jungle.

Come with us, but proceed with caution.

Direct link for those adventurous ones

To clear up whatever misconceptions Ms. Strangelove may have left you with, I am not a Mr. Rogers antagonist (despite my Mr. Green Jeans confusion) but I am not exactly a doe-eyed agnostic either. He's just not a celebrated personal childhood hero despite his puppets, folk lore and folkisms.

My point is - even heroes can be remixed into a creepy mess. Believe me not, do you?

You too can get your very own ceti ell - subscribe here!

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Please Tell Me A (Better) Story

Dear Esther

I was born in a story world and raised in a colony of storytellers. If North American Van Lines had not showed up that summer day and hauled us from right to left, I might still be tucked away in a place where people chisel at the truth buried deep inside mountains, and sell the tiny black bits to the highest bidders.

Instead, we landed on the left coast where you learn quickly that stories aren't really made of truth, and to slowly chip, chip, chip away just to get at a few bits is oh-so-gauche. After all, you're in Hollywood baby - go big, or go home. The challenge is that (for now) only the big can go big, and the littles - well they just stay home scraping at cave walls with a spoon.

Dear Esther

And that's what it feels like if you dare to explore Dear Esther - a story world spooned from the Half-Life 2 engine - not a game, but marketed confused as one; not a great narrative, but heralded as one; not a blockbuster, though nominally a cave buster of an experience.

I found it to be a beautifully immersive and refreshing glimpse at what is still to come in the future of storytelling.

Your mileage may vary.

In this episode of our I Have To Tell You Something podcast, Salome scolds me for:

- allowing her to go off on her own and recklessly spend ten bucks on Dear Esther;
- being hallucinatory and delusional;
- being fooled by the pseudo-artistic intellectuals, the ultimate cave dwellers.

She may also have an opinion on the use of narrative.

Direct link for those allergic to embeds

While I didn't agonize too much over the clumsy dialog, I still found Dear Esther to be entertaining - like a lot of movies I watch.

Yes, I had to hold down the W key until my forefinger cramped and cursed me, and I banged my knees a few times on the rickety story rails, and more than once the narrator had to yank me by the collar and say "Come back." - but it was a beautiful excursion that made me think about the possibilities.

Overall, it was a little bit like Mr Toad's Wild Ride: the line is not as long but the end is, well ..

Dear Esther, the end.

.. let's hope the future of storytelling gets a little brighter.

UPDATE: Forgot the episode notes!

What's a Little TextPeople? A business acquired by Linden Lab, with intriguing ideas about the future of storytelling. "The result of this investment will be a new type of digital entertainment that modernizes the novel as a shared story-telling experience." - Rod Humble

Who is Emily Short? Co-founder of the aforementioned, Emily Short is a leoplurodon of the interactive fiction world. Shun! Shun the non-believers!

Who is Shelley Long? In this case, she is a weak attempt at metaphor. Please donate to the metaphor revival fund.

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Church of the Helpful Interwebs

cc image courtesy flickr.com/photos/techbirmingham/76169852

The other day, I was scolding myself for letting my Three Thanks blog go stale. It really wasn't that hard to be grateful in three little bites, after all - it's practically every day that I whisper a little "thank you" to someone on the interwebs. Everyone should know what it feels like to be helped by a complete stranger - especially when said stranger doesn't even know he or she is helping you.

In this episode, we discuss the oddities of Salome's shopping habits (resulting from her domestic servitude) and the magic of one Colorado Hermit - a disciple in the Church of the Helpful Interwebs.

Direct link for those allergic to this particular flavor of embed.

The relevant links for those who can't get enough.

• Amazon Vine™ : Amazon Vine™ invites the most trusted reviewers on Amazon to post opinions about new and pre-release items to help their fellow customers make informed purchase decisions. 
• Our hero, Colorado Hermit

Why are we talking about toaster ovens and hermits? Because we too often forget that what matters most in a network society is the connections, not the containers. We too often kneel at the alter of the technology gods - but the interwebs are made of people - like our hero, Colorado Hermit.

Side note: If anyone knows a rock star reviewer of home fire extinguishers, please let us know. Better yet, you can just contact Salome directly.

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Robots Need Love Too

Did you miss the recent massive internet kerfuffle? No, no, no - not Kristen Stewart and what's his name - I mean the premier of a unique entertainment and fine dining blend of neon tanks, cabaret girls and bikini-clad vixens piloting larger than life fembots in a chaotic mix of luminescent revelry at the Shinjuku Kabukicho Robot Restaurant in Japan. 

If you missed it, don't fret. Salome Strangelove and I share the details of this important debut in Episode 2: Robots Need Love Too of our podcast "I Have To Tell You Something".

Episode Note:  In this episode, Salome and I discuss the fine dining establishment called Robot Restaurant in Shinjuku, Japan (it's in a red light district, in case you were wondering). Mostly, we muse about fembots and Salome's neon tank obsession. We conclude: this attraction is a steal at the $38USD entrance fee and if you can't afford the 10 billion yen ($127M) for a fembot, then everyone should have at least one neon tank to call their very own.

Why are we talking about cabarets, fembots and neon tanks?  Because at times, real life truly can be stranger than even our best virtual approximations. More importantly, we predict that soon the Second Life club scene - and eventually the entire grid - will be overrun by shapely and artificially intelligent mesh pseudo-vehicles. Mark my words - this will be bigger than Sion chickens and we thought you should be informed early and have time to prepare - natch.

The podcastic magic lives here.

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The Really Good Idea Wagon

Salome Strangelove and I have been friends for a long time - long enough for me to know when "Hey, I have a great idea!" deserves a measured and calm reply: "No, actually, that's a really bad idea."

But occasionally, it happens. In a moment of weakness or temporary insanity, my reply isn't quite sharp enough and off we go on the really good idea wagon, inevitably careening over a cliff in only the very best Calvin and Hobbes blissful kind of way.

And thusly, from the smoke and ash of what was yet another really good idea wagon ride - the "Salome and Grace: I Have To Tell You Something" podcast was born.

Episode 1: A Nation of Seans
This week we introduce the first episode of adventures sans destination. In response to the recent and horrifying reality that the cloning of our beloved Sean McPherson may encounter resistance from the primary source, a few desperate and poorly considered extreme measures are presented.

Direct link to the madness

Episode Note: For those who may not be aware, SeanMcPherson Senior is a supporter of the arts, a tech genius and the nicest guy we’ve ever met. He also leaves concerts early to have his wife’s supper ready when she gets home. A Nation of Seans is our only hope and we welcome your solutions to this global problem.

Episode Sidebar: Despite my initial bout of temporary insanity, I regained my composure enough to maintain final editorial control of the audio which is, you know, only reasonable. To give you listeners some context of what I must endure, I have added outtakes from the ongoing stream of Salome consciousness. Please take this into consideration should you choose to listen to this in the company of others.

Good Idea Wagon Series Note: Several years ago, Salome suggested we do a podcast together - she said she made a website and everything. At that time, we both realized we didn’t have the time and we both hated the sounds of our speaking voices. But - thanks to the temporary loss of my mental faculties - the idea seems like a really good one now, so this new feature will be interpreted here on Phasing Grace as well as on Salome's site: SalomeSays  (although mine will likely be posted after Salome's because I am clever). We’ll endeavor to post something on Tuesday on lighthearted and/or geek-crucial topics. I have tried to get Salome to limit her orations to something around 2-5 minutes, but I'll be happy if we can just finish a thought or two. Salome claims to be working with a therapist but I make no promises on the outcome of said claims.
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